Oh Television!!!

{Characters: Madhu- Wife (Soap opera lover), Mahesh- Elder son (Hindi movies lover), Jay- Younger son (Hollywood flicks fanatic), Dina- Daughter (Mad after western sitcoms), Karan- Neighbor (lives for cricket), Mr. Khurana- Husband (Too busy to mull around in any kind of movies or shows) }

Mr. Khurana: What a busy day! Roads in this city are impossible! Took me two hours to reach home from work. Madhu, would you please get me a glass of water?

Madhu: Sure, as soon as Dimple kills her third husband.

Mr. Khurana: uhh...what? Who is killing what now?

Madhu: Shh! Just in a minute Dimple from my most favorite TV series “Kahu toh kaise kahu ke kuch kehna nahi hai” is going to kill her third husband. She is wearing her small bindi in today’s episode. It is a sign that she will kill someone.

Mr. Khurana: Seriously do you even know you are talking? Like saying words! These soaps make no sense. Killing her third husband…

Jay: Well dad, it’s not just soap operas. Indian movies are no less hilarious and far away from reality. Priyanka Chopra was shown killing 7 husbands in her film. I mean you would think after 3-4 mistakes she would pretty much give up on that front, but no sir!

Madhu: Really son! Is this the kind of stuff you go talking in front of your dad?

Jay: (To himself) Yea…and its okay to watch those atrocious soaps at home in front of your family!

Mr. Khurana: Looks like glass of water will have to wait. So much for trying to copy the ‘adarsh naari’ of TV world. Where’s my daughter Dina?

Jay: She went to cut her hair like Rachel.

Mr. Khurana: Who’s Rachel?

Jay: Jennifer Aniston.

Mr. Khurana: Who’s Jennifer Aniston?

Jay: The actress who played Rachel.

Mr. Khurana: *stares at Jay*

Jay: Dad! Okay, she used to play this famous character on F.R.I.E.N.D.S like a century back! But in our country those sitcoms are shown even today and some of the ‘I-wanna-be-happening’ girls like my sister try to copy her in this day and age.

Mr. Khurana: Well I must say she has got her mother’s genes!

(Door bell rings)

Madhu: Damn it! Must be our neighbor Karan. He is been to our home thrice in the last hour to check the score. Why can’t they buy a TV already!

Mr. Khurana: Maybe they saw my condition and learnt a lesson. (Gets the door) Oh hello Karan. How are you boy? How are the preparations for your board exams going?

Karan: Nothing is going good uncle! My friend just texted me…

Mr. Khurana: Oh! What happened?

Karan: The Mirchi Masala’s need 4 runs in a single ball…

Mr. Khurana: The Mirchi who now?

Karan: Uncle, you do not know anything about cricket! Mirchi Masala’s are the strongest contenders for this year’s FPL

Mr. Khurana: What’s FPL?

Karan:  Fashion Premiere League! It’s all over the News! Cricketers from around the world were auctioned to play for the fashion world! Winning team will get to walk on the ramp!

Mr. Khurana: That’s every cricketer’s dream!

Karan: (Completely missing the sarcasm) Isn’t it? Aunty can I watch the score please?

Madhu: Okay. Kanaknayani did not kill her husband anyway. May be she will do it in tomorrow’s episode. Fingers crossed!

(Mahesh enters home)

Mahesh: Unfair! Unjust! Everyone is corrupt here. No wonder this country is making no progress.

Mr. Khurana: What happened son? Any trouble in your college?

Mahesh: I did not go to college today. But get this- They gave the best film award to Don 14

Mr. Khurana: 14?

Mahesh: Yea! It should totally have gone to Dhoom 23! I mean this one was so freaking different than earlier Dhoom’s. Abhishek actually caught the villain in this movie!

Mr. Khurana: That is the different part?

Mahesh: Yes dad. And the special effects were so cool!

Jay: Huh! What a joke! You know these Bollywood movies just copy everything from Hollywood.

Mahesh: That has NEVER been proven! We might take little inspiration from here and there, but that does not count.

Jay: Are you kidding…

Madhu: Do not fight over petty issues!

Mr. Khurana: Crying over Kanyakumari’s black saree is not petty at all.

Madhu: Her name is Kanaknayani and I cried only once because it was shattering to see her in such pain.

Mr. Khurana: So black saree equals pain?

Mahesh: Of course dad! That is why even in movies every sad song is pictures in deserts where the leads wear black cloths.

Jay: Because who will go in to the trouble of enacting the scene, right? Let the cloths do all the work.

Mr. Khurana: Stop it both of you. Karan, is the match not over yet?

Karan: Oh the match is over. Mirchi Masala’s lost to Khatarnak Khiladi’s. I am watching highlights.

Jay: Isn’t it a 6 over’s match?

Karan: Yes.

Jay: So what are they ‘highlighting’?

Mr. Khurana: 6 overs! This is not cricket! Real fun is in Test Matches…

(Karan, Mahesh, and Jay start laughing)

Mr. Khurana: It’s true.

(Dina enters the house)

Dina: How do I look?

Madhu: Oh my God! Who ran a knife blade on your hair?

Dina: What? Mom! It is my ‘Rachel’ look! Does it not look trendy?

Madhu: Seriously what is up with your hair?

Dina: Forget it! Jay, I will need your laptop today.

Jay: What for?

Dina: I have to download latest episode of HIMYM.

Mr. Khurana: What is HIMYM?

Dina: How I Met Your Mother.

Mr. Khurana: Dina! Is this the way you talk about your grand-mom?

Dina: Huh? No dad, HIMYM stands for How I Met Your Mother. It is the story of this guy who is telling his kids how he met their mom.

Mr. Khurana: Really, an entire series based on that?

Dina: Well yes, See he has to tell about all the girls he thought would be the mother before he actually met the mother!

Jay: Hey dad, you never told us how you met mom?

Mr. Khurana: At a wedding.

Dina: Really? Whose?

Mr. Khurana: Ours. Back then the boy and girl used to meet directly in the shaadi ka mandap.

Dina: Oh dear god!

Jay: Wow! Dad, you should have been the scriptwriter of HIMYM. Would have saved us all the trouble of hearing Ted’s boring stories about the girls who are NOT the mom.

Dina: Oh if you hate it so much, why watch? And besides it is much more interesting than your Sci-fi Hollywood movies.

Mahesh: I agree. Hollywood makes some super unbelievable crap. Like how the hell is it possible to design your own dreams?

Mr. Khurana: Well son, that is life. You have to design your dreams, make them come true.

Mahesh: No dad, this movie I am talking about actually deals with designing a dream. Like with architects and stuff. My friends were going on and on about it. It’s called Infection or something…

Jay: It’s Inception and it is a genius film! Much more believable than your 20 versions of Dhoom or Ra.One.

Mahesh: Wait which one? Abhishek’s Ravan or SRK’s Ra.One?

Mr. Khurana: There are two?

Jay: Yes dad…lack of creative brains I tell you!

Mr. Khurana: Who plays Ram?

Jay, Mahesh: What?

Mr. Khurana: Who plays Ram in these movies?

Mahesh: Why would you need Ram in a movie named Ravan?!

Mr. Khurana: Why indeed!

Dina: Karan, do you mind moving to the chair? I need to keep the laptop on the sofa.

Karan: But that’s my favorite place on this sofa. If I sit there, India wins the match.

Jay: Dude! Get over those superstitions… None of that is real.

Karan: But your Harry Potter and Narnia stuff is real, isn’t it?

Jay: It’s fiction and it is genius.

Dina: Oh Karan, would you just move? Don’t be such a Sheldon about your place.

Mr. Khurana: Who is Sheldon?

Dina: This guy from a show I like. It’s called Big Bang Theory.

Mr. Khurana: I didn’t know my daughter had a liking towards science. That’s nice!

Dina: Science? Why would you think that? I told you I want to be a chef like Monica...

Mr. Khurana: Well you are watching a show based on Big Bang theory, so I thought…

Dina: Show is not based on but named Big Bang Theory and it is based on nerds.

Madhu: Silly shows! Karan, would you put on K TV? It is time for my dinner-time show.

Mahesh: Mom, please not today! Sholay is being shown on Z TV and I want to watch that film.

Jay: Again!!! No way! Bhai, you must have watched that movie like 100 times!

Mahesh: 133 to be precise.

Jay: I was just going for a way of expression! Why do you want to watch it again then? It is not that great if you ask me…

Mahesh: (In an angry tone) DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK ILL ABOUT SHOLAY! And if you think it is not that great, why would your Hollywood people copy the most amazing scene from it?

Jay: Oh please! Hollywood copy from Bollywood? It is like saying Rihhanna copying Bipasha’s hair-cut!

Mahesh: Well sir, here is a news for you. The coin-flip thing from The Dark Knight is a rip off. From Sholay. It was on the News.

Mr. Khurana: Really? Is that what they show on News these days?

Karan: Guys, check this out! All the cricketers are walking on the ramp. This is cool man!

Mr. Khurana: Wait, the fashion show has begun already? But they just won! Shouldn’t there be a presentation ceremony?

Karan: Yea they do it in the dressing room uncle. Cricketers do not have all the free time in this world! See, after this fashion show, some of them are going on a tour to England, two of the guys have a contract to dance at a wedding, I think all the bowlers are playing for KAPL, the Kapda Association Premiere League…and yea, the captain is getting married tomorrow.

Mr. Khurana: Tomorrow? And he is still playing today?

Karan: Well uncle, country comes first! But it is sad that he will not be attending his sangeet ceremony. You see, he is from Assam and that’s far. He will not reach in time.

Jay: Assam?

Dina: Yes it is some island near India.

Mr. Khurana: What?! It is so not an island!

Madhu: Kids, really you should watch less TV and study more geography.

Mr. Khurana: Well, you are not setting up a good example yourself! Why do you have to watch those dumb soap operas every day?

Madhu: First, you come home late and now you shout at me. This is exactly how Shyamlee’s husband treats her on Annkho se Palakhon Tak ki Duriyaan.

Mr. Khurana: Aankho se… that is name of a TV show? Really how far can eyes go from the eyelashes? The series should get over even before it begins!

Jay: All these hindi shows and movies make no sense. I mean it’s the same thing over and over again. Rich girl, poor guy, they meet, fall in love, either get married or die tragically.

Mahesh: And Titanic was so different because…??

Jay: Don’t even compare! The ship, the special effects, the…

Dina: Jay, they are not paying you to say nice things about Hollywood so just keep quiet. Between you and Mahesh, we can never decide Who’s The Boss.

Jay: You know Dina, quoting sitcoms which are so old, they can be fossilized, is NOT cool.

Mr. Khurana: Well, in our time, we did not have this problem. We listened to Vividhbharathi on radio. No TV, no channels, no fights.

Madhu: Awww… Jaykanth is also fond of listening to the radio.

Mr. Khurana: Who is Jaykanth?

Mahesh: Jaykanth Shikre. Kuch bhi karne ka, Jaykanth Shikre ka ego hurt nahi karne ka!

Jay: Pfft!!

Madhu: No, I meant Jaykanth from Karamjali. He is Baa’s husband.

Mr. Khurana: Baa?

Madhu: yea..

Dina: O.M.G! Is this THE BAA? The 235 years old lady who just will not die?

Madhu: Well, they just celebrated her 236^th birthday on the show. God bless her. How do you know of her?

Dina: Saw it on the News.

Mr. Khurana: Really what is up with the News channels these days? How can you call it News? And Madhu, how can you watch which shows woman living for 235 years! What is she, a cave?

Karan: That is why I am in to sports. No movies and shows are as exciting as sports.

Jay: Dude, sports does not equal cricket only!

Karan: Sure it does! Cricket is our national game.

Mr. Khurana: No it is not! Our national game is hockey.

Karan: Oh man! When did they change that?

Mahesh: Must be after the release of Chak De India. SRK must have pulled some strings. Publicity stunts I tell you!

Dina: Download over! Wow I hope Barney marries Robin!

Madhu: Well I just hope Kanaknayani kills her husband tomorrow.

Mahesh: I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Abhishek to get Best Actor Award in Fairytale Men’s Cream LIFA Award show!

Jay: Dude, even Abhishek is not hoping for that! Well I am going to watch a Hollywood flick tomorrow which I know is going to be awesome! Because that is Hollywood- guaranteed genius films!

Mahesh: Pfft!

Karan: While you guys hope for your non-existing fictional characters, I will be praying for The Zordaar Jaabaj to win tomorrow!

Mr. Khurana: Well, I was hoping for a cold glass of water after 10 hours in office and 2 hours in traffic. But instead what I got was wives killing husbands, dad telling their kids disturbing stories of him meeting the mother, Hollywood v/s Bollywood fights, and cricketers who spend more time in anything other than cricket! 

What can I say?! Oh Television!